Here is my brief, yet concise critique of 50 Shades of Grey. Ready? Here we go:

1) They need to redo this movie – period.

2) I want Eric from True Blood or Scott Foley to play Christian – No exceptions. Unless you can get Morris Chestnut. Then get Morris Chestnut.

3) Since when is spanking the only form of foreplay? All I watched was a pale baby butt get spanked 535308 times. Can we get like… something else? At some point in a 2.5 hour movie?

4) The sexist part of this movie was Beyonce & The Weeknd’s voice in the background on the soundtrack. I’ve had Crazy In Love & Earned It on repeat since I left the theater – So there’s a plus.

5) ****SPOILER ALERT**** THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS ABOUT HER SIGNING A SEX CONTRACT THAT SHE NEVER SIGNED 2.5 HOURS LATER. WHY?!

6) I took my boyfriend to see this movie and he was actually begging his brain and senses to allow him to stop watching and hearing this movie so that he could take a nap instead. I personally thought that was a little dramatic but… what can ya do.

7) When the movie was over someone literally yelled “YES!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!” and people clapped for him.

8) I talk a lot of shit, but I will be seeing the sequels. I need to know what happened with this contract and I need to know if he does anything else to her ever other than spankings with strange objects. And yes, my boyfriend will be forced to tag along with me. Because that’s what good boyfriends do.

FIN.

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