Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend I know everything there is to know about relationships. So let’s just start there in case y’all take my advice and it doesn’t work out, you can’t blame me LOL. I’m not married, I’ve never been engaged – I’m just a serial monogamist that has taken a lot of time getting to know herself, her wants, her needs and at just 24 years old, I’ve come to learn a lot about what love truly means just from the examples that have been set around me and what I’ve experienced.
Coming out of a 6 year relationship, which in this day and age is super taboo, I was absolutely, positively petrified. A lot of people may look at me and think I’m someone who would never have an issue finding a man, but once you’ve given a huge portion of your life to one person, thinking about finding someone else to dedicate your time and world to is extremely daunting – and I was scared shitless. Who’s going to love me? Who is going to accept my quirks and my Scorpio tendencies to want love one second and need space from here to Mars in .5 seconds? Who is going to accept me as I am and not what they see on Instagram or Wikipedia or whatever tf. Can I find a faithful man again? Did I give up something that I may never find again, and is true love just something you see in Lifetime movies? So many questions. Too many questions. Enough questions to keep me in a space that I wasn’t necessarily happy in, but stayed in just so I wouldn’t have to find out the answers.
Then May 2016 happened, and I met a
guy man named G, and I thought it was some kind of cruel and unusual punishment. He was literally my twin to the point where it was scary. Also, why tf am I always scared?! LOL, anyways, back to the story. We started hanging out literally everyday and before we both knew it, we were falling for each other and FAST. It felt so right and so natural, but also had us both a little shook. We both had just gotten out of relationships around the same time in the fall of 2015 and weren’t looking for anyone or anything to fill that space for at least a couple more months, years, centuries – who’s counting? But the way God would have it, we’ve fallen madly in love and gave up fighting it a long time ago. We both believe that God sent us into one another’s lives for a purpose way bigger than just some summer romance or winter cuddle buddies. This man is my best friend. He just might be my soulmate. I just stopped typing because that’s scary af LMAO. But seriously! He is incredible. He pushes me to always be the best me that I can be and doesn’t stunt my hustle or try to dim my shine. He loves me unconditionally, but he’s a man – so he puts me in my place when I need to be left on the shelf for a second lol (Fellow Scorpios – you know what I’m talking about). ALL this to say, when you’re looking for a partner – a boyfriend, a girlfriend, whatever the case may be – please know that you CAN have it all. You. Deserve. It. All. & Don’t give up on God’s plan for your heart just because the road has been rocky. I’m still learning a lot about love, and I can definitely say that my boyfriend G has taught me a lot about what love is supposed to look like, but if there are 10 keys to finding and keeping that special person that was created for you, i.e. a soulmate – YES, they are real. They would be this:
- Communication – Communication, communication, communication. It’s the key to any successful relationship whether it be a friendship, love, business, etc. You have to be able to communicate freely with your partner about literally everything the way you would your bff’s in the group chat. Share your likes, dislikes, don’t be afraid to share your fears, and be sure to keep communicating that love that you have for them. Verbal is just as important as non-verbal – so let them know it and make them feel it.
- Admiration – Can you learn from this person? Can this person learn from you? Is this someone that you can say you look up to? Not like a father or a mother figure, but in the sense of “this person is a beautiful soul and an admirable human being.” I need to be with someone I can look at and say, “Wow… DAMN I LOVE YO ASS!” LOL!
- Laughter – If you can’t laugh and joke with your partner, is it really a relationship at all? Are you having fun? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! 🙂 It’s so important! I want to get lost in laughter with my partner, and because I’m a smart-ass, I need to be able to crack a few good jokes at your expense and have you throw one right back at me and that be understood and respectful and okay.
- The Sex – Because, yes. Love is great, but making love is a MAJOR KEY as well. If we can’t get down with the get down and our bodies aren’t in sync, then idk what to tell you except for… nah LOL. Keep in mind that the person you lay down with will also take on the energies of those who laid down with him or her before you. This isn’t to say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, because people can change – BUT, you are not the person they were with before you and you should not have to be treated as such. So if something is going down in the bedroom that you aren’t totally comfortable with or you need a little something extra, refer to K. Key #1 – COMMUNICATION.
- Respect – Keep in mind these keys aren’t in order of importance, because if they were, respect would be at #1. Once the respect is lost in a relationship, that relationship is over. Keep it pushing, move on. Mutual respect is so important, especially in today’s age when every other day there’s a video of a man cussing out his girlfriend on Worldstar, or a girl slapping her dude straight across is face. What. Is. Life? That ain’t it! Keep your hands to yourself, and if you really think your girlfriend is a b*tch or a hoe or you think your boyfriend is a no good dirty rotten bastard from hell then… why are you with that person again? GET. OUT. Go find someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.
- Adoration – This isn’t just a physical thing, though physicality doesn’t hurt. Find yourself somebody who you can just look at and instantly feel something. This doesn’t have to be all the time – but if you get to a point in your relationship where the sight of your partner makes you want to make a mad dash to the liquor store just to get out of view, do yourself and your partner a favor and move on. You should be able to get lost in their eyes and look at them with fondness every once in a while. Not to the point where it’s creepy, but isn’t love a little creepy after all? 😉
- Space – Be willing to give your partner the space they need whether you need it or not, and be willing to receive space even if you know you’re going to miss bae after the first 45 minutes of being apart. I’m someone who requires a decent amount of space throughout my day to be able to function – it’s just how my brain and emotions work. G has been so respectful of my space once I communicated (key numero uno) that it was something that I needed instead of trying to hide the fact that sometimes I need to just be alone for no apparent reason at all. He understands that that’s just me and when he has his Gemini moments, I give him his space to be in his own world just the same. It’s called BALANCE.
- The Long Haul – Can you see yourself with this person in 10 years? What about 30? 40? TIL DEATH DO YOU PART?! Just kidding (not really), but anyone who you let into your space emotionally, physically, spiritually should be someone who you can see being in your life for a decent amount of time. Nobody truly wants to waste their own time, but there are plenty of people willing to waste yours. Be mindful & really take the time to get to know someone before you invite their energy in.
- Family Man – I have plenty of girlfriends who have their own ideas of what they want their future family to look like. Maybe they want 5 kids, but their boo only wants 1 – or none at all. Then what? Maybe they might change their mind, but building a life and a family with someone is a very huge and important step for a lot of people. If the person you’re with is adamant about not wanting a family or has completely different family values than you do, you may want to reconsider OR see K. Key #10.
- Accept The Things You Cannot Change – My mom always taught me that what you see now in your partner (give or take a few things that waiver with maturity and time) will probably never change. Every relationship requires a certain level of sacrifice. What’s important to note is that when we sacrifice something, it means we are giving up a piece of ourselves or what we may want – the question is however, are you sacrificing something you’re willing to lose? Does sacrificing for them mean losing a part of you that you aren’t ready to let go of? Then don’t. You will wake up one day missing that piece of you and go searching for it somewhere, somehow and that’s when shit gets messy. But the little things, like I want tacos but he wants burgers and he let me choose what we ate yesterday so I’ll give up on the tacos (for now), are compromises that we can live with. There’s always more time for tacos 🙂
I hope that these keys were helpful to you wherever you are in your love life! Don’t worry bout finding someone so much as you should concern yourself with being ready for someone to find you. I myself had to work out some of my daddy issues after my last relationship in order to get to the core of why I am the way I am in relationships, and what can I do to make myself better for the next man who tries to love me. How can I open myself up more and make myself more emotionally available. Get in tune with YOU before trying to tune-in to somebody else.